Back in June of this year I decided to take a little time
off of work to deal with the immense pressure depression had, again, started to
put on my shoulders. I sought the help
of a new psychiatrist and counselor who not only did not help my case, but made
me worse.
I had hoped when I began seeing this new doctor that I would be able to get the help I needed much quicker than I was getting with my current doctor who had long wait times in between visits. Unfortunately the only positive that came from me seeing this new doc was I met my deductible quite quickly because she charged a fortune to not do much of anything other than take my pulse and tell me that I was acting manic when I very clearly was not.
I had hoped when I began seeing this new doctor that I would be able to get the help I needed much quicker than I was getting with my current doctor who had long wait times in between visits. Unfortunately the only positive that came from me seeing this new doc was I met my deductible quite quickly because she charged a fortune to not do much of anything other than take my pulse and tell me that I was acting manic when I very clearly was not.
So I switched back to my old doctor after less than a month
of being overcharged and under helped and started seeing my old counselor who
(as always) gave me wonderful insight and helped me see what was really
attacking my psyche. We found that my
medications had not been working for a while due to an immunity my body had
decided it needed to Lexapro, so we switched me to Prozac and left my Abilify
that I had been on since the beginning, alone.
Prozac had, once upon a time, been my great reliever of
depression. We had switched me to
Lexapro when the Prozac had built what we believed to be a temporary immunity
in my system. So why not try this
miracle drug once again and go back to the days when I had this energy and
ability to smile that I hadn’t seen for several years.
I was on the Prozac for one day when I started to feel more
energetic and hopeful. I was on it for
two when I started to think I could go a whole day without sleeping through the
majority of it. I was on it for three
days when the suicidal thoughts started to creep in slow and steady.
Time to call my doctor again, no way was this going to fly.
Still not ready to return to work, August seeped in through
the cracks of time between sleep and awake.
My psychiatrist made a point of noting that I have never shown any manic
symptoms in his care over the years.
While maintaining my diagnosis for the time being, he decided to put me
on a strictly anti-depression medicine mix.
Now on and upped dose of Abilify and new medication of Effexor the
suicidal thoughts and uncontrollable weeping that had interrupted nearly all
waking moments seems to have gone.
In the place of these terrible things is an obnoxious amount
of weight gain from the Abilify, an exhaustion even worse than ever before from
the mix, and worst of all I feel as though I have lost all ability to
create. All artistic ability in me seems
to have flittered off somewhere I cannot reach and most of the time don’t care
about except as something to fill the boredom.
I see the psychiatrist again in 3 days.
