On Manic Depression

I forgot to take my meds last night.  With a recent raise in my daily dose, missing a day appears to have far more severe consequences than when I have been on a consistent dose for a while.

As some of you may know I was diagnosed with Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder) about 5 years ago.  It has been a continuous struggle throughout my life with only the fairly recent explanation of my diagnosis.  I have found that my normal psychiatrist that manages my medication is just too unavailable to me when I am going through a bought of depression or mania.  So I had decided a few weeks back to seek the help of a new doctor who agreed to take me off work for a few weeks while we start working on cognitive behavioral therapy (which I am finding about as useful as a mosquito).  She upped the dose on both my current psychological medications and that’s been about the extent of her work at this point.  After already spending over $600 on visits with her I would expect some sort of actual therapy, not just medication management which is one of the reasons I left my other doctors care. Needless to say I am considering returning to the old psychiatrist and seeking the help also, from a therapist whom I had great success with a few years back.  While I (deep down) know that my current doctors method is just not right for me and that is in no way either of our faults, I feel flakey and overly dramatic leaving her practice to return to where I once was.

Today has reminded me of many things. 

Mainly of the wonderful depth that this disease carries with it.  I sat in my room sobbing uncontrollably as I watched a documentary by Stephen Fry called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive (or something like that.  I highly recommend it).  I found a clip where he was talking about how several people with this disorder were asked if they had a choice to keep manic depression and all that comes with it or get rid of it.  Only 2 people out of I don’t remember how many hundreds said they would take the cure.  I found this wonderfully liberating as I am among those that would keep it.  I’d like to explain why in my own words as best as I can.

With Bipolar disorder comes some absolutely pure beauty.  Inspirations in all forms of art are constantly attributed to artists who have suffered from this awful and intense diagnosis.  I have felt this elation that can come from the manic side of the bipolar spectrum which comes from being able to create and see things so grandiosely.  Carrie Fischer once said that being manic was better than any drug she could have ever taken.  

 This rang so true with me that it took my breath away.

But there is this other side to the mania, and that, as you are aware of I am sure, is the depression.

It’s a dark place where all those feelings you once had are far away.  Seeing past the moment you are in is impossible, and I don’t use that term lightly here.

Stephen Fry described it like the weather of the mind.  It’s one of the best analogies I’ve heard and I am grateful to have found it today.  He spoke about how when it rains you can’t stop the rain by choosing to do so, you have to ride it out.  Yes there is sun out there somewhere, but right now its ice cold rain, sleet, the wind is unbearable!  Imagine now that there is no end to this.  Or rather that you do not have it in your capacity to comprehend that there is an end to this.  No matter how many times you are told, that sun will be here soon; you just can’t get your head there.

That is depression.  You just CAN’T get your head there.

So here is a bit of wine with the cheese I have presented:

I cannot stand one more person telling me that everything is going to be okay.  My friends and family are some of the best the universe has to offer.  For this I am truly grateful.  And it is to them that this next message is directed.  To them and to anyone who doesn’t have this or any other mental disorder they do not completely and utterly understand from their own personal experience.

Telling me that I just need to try harder or keep trying – makes me feel like all that I have done means nothing because you cannot see that every moment is my best moment because it’s the only way I can breathe.

Telling me you are there for me and I am never alone – I know this, it doesn’t really make me feel better and I am sorry to say that.  Please believe me, I am sorry.

Telling me I just need to get out and do more (hang out with more people, be more outdoorsy) – Tells me I am not living up to your standards and I am a let-down for not enjoying what you enjoy.

Asking me what is causing this, especially when I have stated that I don’t have a reason – I really don’t have a reason.  I don’t have low self-esteem, I don’t dwell on terrible things.  This is a medical condition that sometimes makes crying unstoppable and facing life unbearable.   I know it most likely doesn’t make sense to you that I’m sad for no reason, but if that’s what I say is going on, it’s not a lie.  So don’t keep asking, it makes me think you don’t trust me.

Okay, time for wine is over.  Back to that oh so delicious cheese.

You may be wondering “well, how do I help you if those are things I shouldn’t say?  I don’t mean to make her feel worse when I say things like that, I just don’t know how to help.”

Fear not: I have provided below a little advice as to what to say/do to help.  At least this is how I feel about things. (please remember ever case is different, and this is just advise on my case and advise I have heard others like myself say they wish other people knew)

Step one: Do some research.  If you really want to help someone, try to understand what it is like, and what causes this to happen.

Step two: Be an advocate for active research and positive treatment.

Step three: Spread awareness that this is a serious health issue, and that the stigma around mental illness is nothing but harmful.

Step four: when encountering someone in a depression, it is totally okay to ask if they need anything or want to talk about it.  If they say anything other than no (and that includes “I don’t know what to talk about”) the answer is almost certainly a yes.

Step five: ask, how can I help you right now?

Step six: If that person doesn’t have an answer for you, you can always say the following.  “ I love you and I’m going to sit here with you while you cry.  If you want to talk, then talk.  If you don’t, that is okay too.”  Yes this is similar to saying you are not alone.  But, proving it is different than saying it.

Step seven: Have no expectations and no agenda.  Don’t try to cheer me up.  I know misery is uncomfortable, especially for those outside looking in.  But think of it this way.  A person is not there condition and making a person feel guilty for having a condition because you are uncomfortable is really your fault, not theirs.  So just don’t worry about it.  Be calm.  Hold their hand through the storm and when you both come out on the other side, it would have made more difference than you may ever be aware of.

Step eight: Be honest.  If you don’t know what to say, I would far rather you told me that, then sat there uncomfortable and feeling bad.  I don’t want you to feel bad and I don’t expect you to have the magic words.  This goes back to asking if there is anything you can do or if the person wants to talk.  Don’t ask this if you are just being nice and don’t really want to be there.

Believe it or not, I understand that this disorder is not just uncomfortable and exhausting for the person with it.  If you need a break from me, just tell me that.  Explain how you are feeling because your fears and feelings are equally as valid as mine.  COMMUNICATE  COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE.

Okay,   I think you get the gist of what I am trying to convey here.  I would appreciate any comments or questions you may have on any of this.  Whether you have a mental health condition or not, you are valid.  Please speak up if you are able.  And if you’re not, that’s okay.  I love you and I will sit here with you through this storm, whether you think you want me there or not.

Thanks for reading all.

Much love and Blessed Be.